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Syllable The time has come my little friends To talk of other things Of shoes and ships and ceiling wax
My stuff:
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Reality is a cold-hearted bitch
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8:53AM, Thursday, 02 Jul, 2009
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I've come to the realisation that for the past 12 years I've been under the impression that I can write. In fact, I've even come think I'm good at it. Which obviously I'm not. There's always someone better out there, applying for the same jobs as I do, and kicking my ass doing it.
So maybe I should stop this silly dream of working in publishing and try to find something I really am actually good at. Not that I have a clue of what that could possibly be or where to start looking. Time is running out. Come 15 December I'll be 31, living with my parents and be unemployed. Fuck.
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Dear Blog
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2:05PM, Wednesday, 01 Jul, 2009
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Long time no write. Sorry about that. Life sucks - in a bad way and I'm not sure I'm coping. I'm taking over my mom's payments on the loan I made for her last year. I don't know how either of us have managed to make ends meet up to now, and I think I'm pushing my luck, but I can't just sit and do nothing. Still not speaking much to my brother. Still think he's a doos.
Remember that job interview early last month? Just got a mail back from them to confirm what I've been suspecting for the last week: I didn't get the job. As if I need rejection on top of everything else that's going on.
My medical aid's savings plan is exhausted (mom's too. We're up shit creek now!). I need to pay a bucketload of money to the Neurologist for electrocuting me. Have decided to cancel my follow-up appointment for the brain scan. Despite it functioning rather retardedly in certain situations, I know there's nothing wrong with it. Will also not be going back to the gynaecologocolist in five weeks' time. Between my uterus and my car I've spent R10K in two weeks. Bloody ridiculous. So no more.
I'm supposed to go back to the GP (who promised not to charge me again for the remainder of the year seeing as I don't have funds in the medical aid) about this all-consuming depression (it's really never been this bad, or carried on in this manner for so long). He wants to refer me to a psychiatrist. Like I have money to pay for that. On the upside, I see my medical aid does cover three weeks' stay in a mental institution. Since I had to sell my leave to have money to take my car for it's service, that's probably the closest I'll get to a holiday.
My BlackBerry is behaving really terribly. If it's not on charge I can't do anything other than SMS or maybe send an e-mail without it dying. Even making/receiving phone calls leads to it just dying. Blackout. The only way to revive it then is to either stick it on charge, or to remove and replace the battery - and even that doesn't guarantee that it will work. As long as it's on charge though, I can do anything I like - with in the range of the power cable. Also, I've misplaced my iPod's charger again. Not having music in my car/room really doesn't help for my state of mind.
I was looking forward to a bit of Scraptherapy this Saturday, but it's our annual meeting at work and I've got to go sit there and look pretty for about six hours. Like I'm feeling pretty. I'm so over all of this.
Anyway. I have lots of work to do in preparation for that retarded meeting. Just thought I'd tell you what's going on.
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Lost
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7:38AM, Wednesday, 24 Jun, 2009
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I'm finding that lately I seem to be losing a lot of things. Yes.
First I thought I was losing my mind, but it was just my ability to recall words. I remember the meaning of words, but not the actual words. Which is an issue since I was working on contracts and an even bigger issue, my job aspirations considering (and in case you were wondering, no I haven't had any feedback yet. My hope fades a little every day that goes by without word).
I also started losing taste - not in a style sense, but in the sense that carbonated drinks taste really awful. I lost feeling in my fingers and toes from time to time. I also lost my appetite, which on the one hand I don't mind - I've always been too fond of food for my own good.
No one seems to have noticed that one of the big things I've lost is my fight - least of all the staff and The MD. I feel like I lack the energy I had a couple of weeks ago to spend on getting a point across.
And the one thing I miss the most, is direction. I have no desire to read or write. I come home from work, have a bath and do absolutely nothing until a time I think is reasonable to go to bed. Not that I sleep once I'm in bed. It's just warm and cosy there. I feel guilty - wasting time; I have so many books that need reading, a big project that needs to be finalised this year, but I couldn't care less. I feel like I want to do something, but I'm not sure what. I can't find a book to settle into.
I stopped taking Toplep last Thursday in an attempt to get my life back. Consequently the headaches are back. Depression in overdrive - I feel completely overwhelmed and unable to cope. I went back to the doctor on Monday. I have to call him later today for the results of the blood test - next course of treatment depends on the outcome of those.
I'm trying to keep my mom from finding out just how bad my finances are; I've been helping her out a bit this month. After my visit to the Neurologist though, my savings portion of the medical aid is exhausted. I'm going to have to encash my leave and hope that that is enough to get me through the next couple of months.
And I'll keep searching in the meantime.
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The wonder of modern medicine
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6:49PM, Monday, 15 Jun, 2009
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 Today I dropped an absurd amount of money in less than two hours. Two thirds of that money was spent on this little device: The Mirena - an intrauterine contraceptive device. Yes, it is a bucket load of money to pay for something, but I only need to pay this once every five years.
For five years I don't need to worry about taking a tablet every day the same time; I don't have to worry about antibiotics, about getting a stomach bug, about bloating, PMS, or hormone-induced migraine. For five years I have a constant supply of hormones being fed into my blood keeping everything the way it all should be. I ovulate the way I normally would, and I would be just as fertile as soon as the Mirena is removed as I would have been if I had never had one inserted.
 I'm due to have my current unit replaced by no later than September, and because I'm hopeful for good news later this week, I've scheduled my appointment for as soon as possible, that being 25 June just after ten in the morning. And I'm happy to have a Mirena regardless of my sexual activity or lack thereof because it makes my life so much easier - and the lives of those around me too.
And while I'm on the topic of fabulous medicines that make my life easier lately, the anti-epileptic the Neurologist prescribed for my migraines, have really made a huge difference despite the minor side effects (dry mouth, thirst, tremors, slight delay in thoughts). From Wednesday I'll be on the full 100mg dosage. It's also improved my mood a lot, and and I'm considering giving the standard single 20mg anti-depressant thing a try again from Wednesday and see how it goes. If it doesn't work out, I can always go back, but I feel cofident that it's safe to start titrating down. Besides, I can't really afford the double dosage of Cilift and the monthly prescription of Toplep.
I do think it is amazing how far medicine has come, and the progress that is being made daily. The future will be amazing...
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25+1 movies I like (meme)
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6:54PM, Thursday, 11 Jun, 2009
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@kitty_stiletto tagged me to do this, so here it is - some of my favourite movies - in no particular order.
- With Honors - First taste of Walt Whitman
- The Notebook
- Miss Congeniality
- The Transporter
- Sin City
- Ice Age
- Moulin Rouge
- Shawshank Redemption
- Open Season
- Brother Bear
- Practical Magic
- Sabrina
- Happy Gilmore
- Iron Man
- Notting Hill
- The Bucket List
- IQ
- Death becomes her
- Friends with money
- Forrest Gump
- From Dusk Til Dawn
- Scent of a woman
- Patch Adams
- What dreams may come
- K-Pax
And the bonus feature: Fight Club.
I'm not going to tag anyone, but anybody who wants to play is welcome to.
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When it rains
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8:04AM, Thursday, 11 Jun, 2009
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I'm cold. I'm miserable. I'm tired and depressed. But not all of that is due to the weather.
The Neurologist gave me new meds for my migraines. It makes me sleep very nicely, but it also makes me want to sleep very nicely when I'm supposed to be awake. Another rather unfortunate side effect is that it makes me very thirsty. In the middle of the night. At least I had the foresight to get a bottle of water on my first chilly trip from my bed last night in the dark. Had several half-awake sips through the night, which unfortunately lead to a second trip from my warm bed. At least I remembered to side step the bucket in the hall (placed under the leak in the roof) on my way to the loo - not bad for sleepwalking at two in the morning. So I'm a little moody this morning.
To add to my misery, I called yesterday to find out how much the 75 000km service of my little car is going to cost; a minor service as far as I understand. Not so minor in price - and that is without the brakes and wheel bearings that need changing (they were supposed to be changed last year, but I didn't have money then. Guess what? I don't even have money for the service this time around).
I've been working so hard to have LESS debt. Now I have to seriously consider increasing my overdraft - not just to pay for the car's service, but mine too. I've not gone for my annual check up at the gynaecologocolist (and they said I'd have difficulty finding the right words on these new meds) for the last two years, because my medical aid doesn't pay for it, and this is one specialist I'm not changing just because the medical aid is too retarded to have female woman's doctors on their list. The only reason I am going this year is because it is time to have my IUD replaced. The MD asked whether I really needed the IUD. How soon men forget. I currently get migraines daily as opposed to monthly, so imagine if my hormones contributed to that as well. That's not to mention the painful cramps (as in doubled over, wrapped around a heatpack, OD-ing on painkillers and praying for death), the terrible moods and the ballooning. Yes, I need this.
So I will be reluctantly crossing my fingers and hoping that the increased overdraft gets approved. Should I get the job in Randburg (which I'm very posetive about), I'll have to commute from Pretoria daily (since I'll have more debt and be less likely to move there anytime soon), and need to be sure my car is in the best possible condition for it. I guess it makes sense in the bigger picture.
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The MD
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1:36PM, Friday, 05 Jun, 2009
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I apologise, I tend to forget that not everyone reading my blog have done so from the start, and since the start has been erased, may I "introduce" you to The MD.
The MD will be 38 next month. We have been, erm... friends, for eight years now. We met when I was editor of the student newspaper, and he worked at the company he is currently the Managing Director of (thus MD). It started when he offered to do a website for the student newspaper. Two months later I started working for the same company. Six months later we moved in to a two-bedroom flat, I resigned and we lived happily for three years until I got retrenched. Then I moved back to my parents because I couldn't pay my share of the rent anymore.
A couple months later he moved his father in, and I still went to the flat every weekend because I can't stand being with the family so much. We are friends with benefits
That's the short explanation. The more complex one is that for the past eight years we've had an open relationship. Even calling it a relationship I'm pushing my luck, because he doesn't want one. I love him, but I'm not stupid, and I know nothing I do or say will change the way he feels, so I consider myself single.
Before we started with the benefits thing he was my best friend, and he will always be my best friend. He is not social, so very few of my friends have actually met him. In fact, I think Nafisa is the only one to have had the honour. Fortunately her husband doesn't care for the social scene much either, so we are often each others' dates and total partners in crime.
And that, in a nutshell, is the man I constantly refer to as The MD.
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The times they are a changing
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9:51AM, Friday, 05 Jun, 2009
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At least I hope so!
My interview and test yesterday went extremely well. There are six more candidates to come in next week, and unless they do better in the test than me, that job is mine. I know I aced the interview itself, and when I left the editor lady said she hopes I'm the best candidate.
I think being Afrikaans is counting in my favour, because they could use another Afrikaans person to proof the copy. I should know after Youth Day. There would be considerations like flexi-time, since the traffic is absolutely impossible, and while I'd love to move closer (and as a result away from all the issues here like the parentals and The MD), I simply can't afford to while I have the amount of debt I currently do. But I'll take it one step at a time.
Other happy news is that my mother has somewhere along the line taken out some sort of an insurance policy, and they made an appointment for her to see the GP. I told her that while she's there she might as well at least ask for a Vitamin B injection, and I'm sure he'll give her something for the flu. So that's one less worry as well.
Unfortunately my brother (whom I'm tempted to refer to as the Silver Spoon Snake) is not talking to my mother at the moment. See, my mother figured that she is in her financial dilema, solely as a result of SSS. Since he left school in 1994, she's spent about R300K on helping him financially. That pisses me off personally, because every time my mother lent me money I paid it back - my study loan, petrol money, etc. The last loan she gave my brother was R18K and he has now gotten a loan for R60K to consolidate his debt, but of course he didn't even think to pay my mother - I mean, why should he start now? When she asked him about it, he got all stroppy and as a result he's not speaking to her. He's paid R4000 on a bakkie he wants to buy - in case anyone missed it, he's blind. Both his roommates have transport, and he has absolutely no need for a vehicle.
Also, he has the tartlet of a girlfriend - he spends buckets of money on her and her child (yes, she's only nineteen and he's just turned 35, and the kid's a six month old preemie - did I also mention that he's just finalised his second divorce, and has a kid of his own in Grade Four - whom my mother fetches from home every morning, feeds, takes to school, fetches from school, helps with homework, makes sure he baths, feed him and take him home, except for weekends when he stays with my mother.)
I feel completely justified in my anger with my brother, who has never taken responsibility for any of the shit happening to him: Not finishing school, being asked to resign, getting married twice (despite plenty of warning from those around him, including my mother), being placed under administration, losing several cars, etc.
I guess it's not proper to air the family's dirty laundry in public, but dammit, I can't take this anymore.
Anyway, despite my migraine and having slammed my finger in a door, and still fighting with the staff at my current, awful job, things are looking up, and I'm very excited for my party tomorrow.
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Where to start?
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7:36AM, Wednesday, 03 Jun, 2009
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Okay, let's start with the good news. I have a job interview at a magazine tomorrow afternoon. That is the extent of the good news. Not sure how my nerves will hold up since I have to travel all the way from Pretoria to Randburg, and leave from there again in peak traffic, but honestly, that's the least of what's stressing me out these days.
My mother was informed yesterday that the company is implementing a four-day work week; understandable I guess considering the global economic recession. Except she's already struggling financially as it is. And of course the fact that she has an adult child living with her (although I'd like to believe I don't cost them money since I don't eat there, I still use water, electricity and detergent to wash my clothes), and that she's doing more than her share in raising her grand child doesn't help much.
In other bad news, mom's got a terrible case of the flu. In fact, I think it is now full-blown laryngitis. Not so good if you have to answer phones and such. Her medical aid is behind so she can't go to the doctor, and is refusing to let me take her to the doctor. In fairness I can't really afford to take her either, but when I don't stress, I go on guilt trips. It's bad enough that I'm feeling guilty about going ahead with my party on Saturday when my mother is walking around with lots of cancer and no immunity to even a cold. If something should happen I'm not going to spend the rest of my life feeling guilty that I didn't try harder; didn't do more.
I wonder if I could guilt her into letting me take her to the doctor | | | | |